The spring of 2000 was something of a turning point.
I had become dissatisfied with the direction my life was going and was contemplating whether there was anything about myself I needed to change. Like many size fetishists, I suspect, I wondered whether indulging in size fantasies was an unhealthy distraction, symptomatic of deeper problems, or damaging my self-image. Spending all this time and energy on sexual scenarios that were impossible to realize and no one I was close to was interested in? Was I ignoring my responsibilities and my potential, waiting for an imaginary giantess to come along and make my problems go away?
It had been a few years since the Internet had shown me that I wasn’t the only size kinkster out there, but I still didn’t really identify with anyone else. I had seen the “community” evolve from alt.sex.fetish.size to Stephanie Evans’s Gallery to the first discussion forums, but the vast majority of the content did little or nothing for me. There was very little nuance in either images or stories, almost no one categorized their material, and the only two distinctions were GTS/SM and Violent/Gentle (the latter ratio was absurdly lopsided).
The thin participation on the forums didn’t give me any reason to want to get to know anyone, either. People would share images and stories, and a handful would get simple responses, but there didn’t seem to be any avenue for proposing variations that might come closer to meeting my personal desires. There wasn’t a single image or story that I didn’t have to mentally edit before it matched up with my preferred scenarios, and no one seemed willing to have a discussion about what size fantasy could be.
Like every size fetishist who first discovers online size porn, I binged and then I crashed, the crash coming with the ironic realization that even among size fetishists, my unique-snowflake desires weren’t being specifically addressed. I held myself apart from the discussion forums, instead just sifting through mountains of content looking for that rare piece that resonated with me, and monitoring notices of size-difference sightings in mainstream media.
I was in the middle of re-evaluating whether further time and energy spent on online size porn was actually counter-productive to other goals I might have when I saw a post about a music video by a band I had never heard of. It had been years since the volume of new and possibly size-related videos on MTV had dropped below a level worth monitoring, but the hyperbolic description used by the poster piqued even my world-weary interest. I had to do some research to find out when the video might be aired (you kids with your YouTube have no idea how lucky you have it), and much time was wasted fast-fowarding through VHS tapes.
And then I saw it.
In the middle of my despair and doubt over the place of size fantasy in my life, a giant Pamela Anderson strolled up, placed her hands on her hips, looked down and said “I’m going to eat you up, little man.”
I never considered disowning my size fetish after that. It would still be years before I discovered others in the community whose passions and appreciations made me want to participate myself and eventually write down and share my own stories, but from then on I knew size fantasy was an inextricable part of me.
Originally posted: 11 Mar 2016